Yesterday I posted the 7 best minigames/side quests. Today, the worst.
Top 7 Worst Minigames/Side Quests In Final Fantasy VII - XII
7. "If Only There Was An OkChocobo.com..." - Chocobo Breeding, VII
Fasten your seat belts, kids. This one's gonna be a story.
Once upon a time there was a man named Cloud. And this man was known for two things. His spikey hair and his strong desire to kill Sephiroth. In order to kill this Sephiroth and save the planet (because he needed to stop Sephiroth who was blocking Holy from saving the planet, therefore he would be indirectly saving the planet, okay?!) Cloud wanted to get the most kickass summon in the land. And by consulting something called a strategy guide, he learned that this legendary summon could only be obtained by traveling to a remote island. An island that could only be reaching on the back of a flying bird.
This bird:
A gold chocobo. *angels sing*
And thus, Cloud was forced to embark on a quest to obtain this special bird and therefore possess the awesome summon that would help him beat Sephiroth once and for all.
(Of course, he could also choose to beat both Ruby and Emerald Weapons and take their spoils to this crazy old man in exchange for a gold chocobo he just happens to have hanging around, but fuck that. This crazy breeding bullshit is easier, believe it or not.)
Now Cloud didn't know the first thing about breeding anything. In fact he had spent most of the last few months of his life oblivious, while two busty women fought over him. But he was determined to find out how he could make one of these legendary chocobos.
And so the pain begins.
You will not enjoy this side quest unless you are this man.
So Cloud goes to the chocobo farm. Where he has to learn all about breeding chocobos.
First you have to go out and find the chocobo and capture it in battle. You'll need special greens for this and have to walk back and forth, sometimes in the snowy, snowy mountains, over chocobo tracks until you find one. When you do, send it back to the ranch so the chocobo experts can tell you whether it's a decent one or not.
"Yeah...that's a pigeon."
I'm not going to go into all the steps or this entry would put everyone to sleep, myself included. What you need to know is this: breeding chocobos is a long, boring, painful process. Because even once you find the decent chocobos, you have to max out their stats. This involves feeding them expensive greens. Many, many expensive greens. There goes your dream of the beach house in Costa del Sol.
So once your chocobo is stuffed full of greens, then what? You cook him? Chocobos roasting on the Cosmo flame? No. Then you gotta race him. Because apparently racing chocobos make good breeders, or something. Oh, and he's gotta be an S class racer. So he's gotta race a lot. And the racing can be annoying, because there's this stupid black chocobo that likes to pop up and beat the crap out of you. And have I mentioned how repetitive the racing is? Because it's repetitive. Really repetitive. It's just so damn repetitive.
The birds that don't place are dinner.
Okay, so you've caught. You've fed. You've raced. You're tired. Cloud's spikey head ain't lookin' so spikey anymore. Red XIII ate part of Cait Sith out of boredom. Now what? Baby chocobos magically appear?
Oh, no, Cloud! That's not where babies come from! You see, when a mama chocobo and a daddy chocobo love each other very much, they eat a special nut together. And the next day, a baby that looks like a full born chocobo is born. Yay for growth hormone laced greens!
Seriously, though, you feed them a damn nut. And then you hope to god you get what you want. And if you don't...out in the wild with you!
If that doesn't sound annoying enough, the people at the chocobo ranch don't know the whole scoop on raising a gold chocobo. They suggest you fly up to the dangerous snowy mountains and find this legendary chocobo expert, Choco Sage, or some shit. Never wanting to hear the word legendary again, you board your airship and seek this genius out.
Only he's not a genius. He's a senile old man.
"...whether I put on my Depends this morning..."
Yeah, Choco Sage only remembers stuff in unreliable doses. So Cloud's better off referring to ye olde strategy guide.
But I want you to notice something. See that green chocobo there? If Cloud would just take that fucking chocobo, it would save him a lot of grief. You think uncle forgetful there's gonna know? Or notice? Or even care? He barely knows his own name! You could whack him over the head with his own cane and have that bird on the airship before you can say nursing home. Who's he gonna call for help? He lives in a cabin in the middle of nowhere! And I don't even see a phone! If he died the chocobo would probably eat him for sustenance! So you'd be doing him a favor!
Anyway, forget professor useless. You want a gold chocobo? You need a green chocobo and a light blue chocobo. They need to produce a black chocobo. And they'll need a special nut you can't buy in stores. So you need to go off into the wilderness and steal that. (Oh, and the green and blue? They'll be brother and sister, btw. Inbreeding schwinbreeding! You'll take the chance of a mutant.) Then you'll need a special nut in order to get the gold chocobo. So back out into the woods. And you better return with a "wonderful" chocobo too, because you'll need to get that guy up to specs before you can breed it with the black one. Up to this point that is 6 - yeah, 6 - chocobos you have to: breed, feed, race and finally mate. And then you'll finally have a gold one. Or a bunch of mutants. I don't know. By this point Cloud has stopped showering and Cid's smoking the special grass he found out back at the ranch.
But you've done it. You have your bird. Now go! Go and get that summon and save the planet! Just like you always wanted!
You coulda had a beach house! P.S. I make a crappy pet.
So, yeah. This side quest sucks. It is boring, long and repetitive. Did I mention it was repetitive? Because it is repetitive. You ask anyone who's played VII, and I'm sure most will complain about the chocobo breeding. It's a pretty universal hatred. That's why it deserved this long explanation.
But the scary thing is...is it worth it?
Well...yes. That's why it lands at #7. Total crap. But total crap that you kind of have to do. ...Which makes it even worse. Stupid chocobos. They probably taste like chicken.
6. "What Card Game?" - Tetra Master, IX
Yeah, believe it or not there's a card game in IX. And if they didn't make you play it, I bet you wouldn't even know.
The game that time forgot.
I guess coming off of VIII the game programmers were just feeling lazy. "Yeah, a card game worked last time. Let's just make another one." So they slapped this one together. And if a card tournament wasn't part of the storyline, you'd probably never play it. Instead it's, "Shit! I've got two minutes to master this game!"
And that's not easy. Because if you thought Triple Triad sounded confusing, this game's got it beat. There are numbers and arrows and the cards have defense and attack numbers, and they fight each other, and it's all a little too much Dungeons and Dragons-ish.
And what's your reward for playing cards this time? Well, aside from the story guided tournament...nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Zero. This game truly is a waste of time. There is no point to it whatsoever. So unless you really can't stand to see Zidane's face for one more second...go play some chocobo hot and cold and do something productive.
Oh! And if you play too many games, the damn game glitches. It's true. I read it on Gamefaqs. So even the game doesn't want to play it.
So for being a totally useless waste of time and a poor specimen when compared to Triple Triad...#6.
5. "It's Not Easy Being Green" - Frog Catching, IX
Do you like Quina? I do actually, but most people don't. So why they bothered making a minigame centered around her... We'll never know.
I'm just waiting for one of them to eat the other.
You can frog catch at any of the Qu Marshes scattered around the globe. Basically all you do is chase frogs around and grab them. And you get points and what not, and when you get enough points the only other Qu you ever see (pictured above - I'm convinced he ate all the others) comes out and gives you an item.
Okay, writing that description practically put me to sleep. It's pretty boring watching Quina's lard ass chase around frogs that are way faster than her. And the items you get aren't worth the effort. Yeah, each frog you catch can also increase the damage her "frog drop" skill does, but since most people don't even use Quina, who the fuck cares? I could be out leveling up a character who actually does consistent damage instead of catching amphibians with one that uses a utensil as a weapon. (And only when it's not in his/her/its mouth.)
Oh, and if you catch too many frogs of one sex, you can fuck up the ecosystem and it'll take way longer for more frogs to come back. Way to be ecoconscious. One continent is covered in a monster breeding fog, and you're basically killing off frogs. Way to use your time effectively.
This minigame is so crappy it doesn't even have its own FAQ on Gamefaqs. And there's even one for racing Hippaul. Don't even know what the hell I'm talking about? Exactly. This one was lucky to land at #5.
4. "Chocoboy is Chococreepy" - Chocobo Forests, VIII
In most Final Fantasy games, you can't go long without tripping over a chocobo. But not in VIII. Here they are banished to a few forests scattered around the world. And if you want one, you're gonna have to solve a puzzle.
Whatever.
Each forest features a kid named "Chocoboy". Chocoboy is clearly some kind of orphan raised by chocobos. Otherwise why would he be in these remote locations hanging out with them? But it seems like Chocoboy wants out, 'cause for some money he'll sell you a whistle to help you catch a chocobo. From there you'll have to walk around the area, blowing said whistle, trying to get the baby chocobos to fall down from the trees so the mother will come out and kick your ass. You can then ride her. You know, because you don't have a rental car or an awesome spaceship at any point in this game. You rely on puzzle fueled bird transport. And Squall doesn't have a planet to save from an evil sorceress or anything. It's fine.
If the whole whistle blowing game sounds stupid...that's 'cause it is. And all for something you don't even need. Yeah, each of the forests has a semi-decent item you can find, but you can get way better stuff playing cards. So unless you're really bored, or you think every Final Fantasy character should ride a chocobo at some point in their fake and scripted life, I'd steer clear of Chocoboy. Especially since there's a good chance his father is this man:
You don't wanna know.
Pointless. Boring. Reeks of Chocobo. #4.
3. "This is What Hell Looks Like" - The Thunder Plains, X
I'll say right now that the top three are all from X. How can that be? How can one game have so many crappy minigames in it? I'll tell you why. Because it hates you. And it's not giving you ultimate weapons worth a shit without a fight.
If you want Lulu's ultimate weapon unlocked, you're gonna have to head to a little place known as the Thunder Plains. And it's known as the Thunder Plains for good reason.
At least the weatherman's job is easy.
As you would guess from the name, it's storming here. Constantly. The only way to travel safely is to run inbetween these lightning rods some poor soul spent his life constructing. I don't think they have saints in the X universe, but I still nominate that guy.
Believe it or not you can get prizes for dodging consecutive lightning bolts in the Thunder Plains. Every time the screen flashes you can press a button to quickly jump out of the way. Somebody's a fucking sadist. They're watching you from some strategically placed camera, eating a bowl of popcorn and having a good laugh every time you fry yourself. Once in awhile they dole out token prizes in exchange for the amusement. If you manage to dodge 200, you can get the Venus Sigil, which unlocks the weapon.
Can I tell you how much NOT fun it is dodging 200 bolts of deadly lightning? The screen flashes so often if you blink you risk the chance of ruining everything you've been working towards. So instead you're forced to sit there until you want to gauge your eyes out between the flashing and the no blinking. And then you still fuck up at like 198 dodges and have to start all over again. Meanwhile, sadist goes to make more popcorn.
Rikku's got the right idea. Get the fuck out of there. #3.
2. "Nobody Expects The Butterfly" - The Butterfly Game, X
Okay, you're pretty badly singed, and your hair will probably never grow back in some places, but you did it! You dodged 200 bolts and unlocked Lulu's weapon. Party time? I'm afraid not. Kimahri needs a weapon too. Don't be discriminating against the Ronso. They can fuck you up.
This is the only picture I could find that even remotely gives you an idea of the game. Apparently everyone was too traumatized to screen capture it.
In order to get the Saturn Sigil to unlock Kimahri's weapon, you must head to Macalania Woods and chase some butterflies around. Aw! Butterflies are pretty! And I brought my net just for the occasion! No. This will not be fun. They are not pretty. And you're gonna wanna bludgeon yourself with the damn net. This game is HARD. So hard, that most gamers don't even bother and make a custom weapon for Kimahri with their own sweat and tears.
So what exactly does this hellish insect game involve? Basically you have a very short amount of time in which to capture some butterflies that are scattered all over the place. And if you touch the wrong color butterfly, you lose even more time than what's already ticking away.
Who came up with this idea anyway? Butterflies? Really? Was everybody drinking really hard the night before? There's no excuse in the book that can cover for this travesty. It's lucky there's another minigame that's even more hellish. #2.
1. "The Devil Went Down to the Calm Lands" - The Chocobo Trainer, X
Fuck those butterflies! I'll make my own Kimahri weapon and he better damn well like it! All that's left is Tidus...shouldn't be too bad, right?
In an RPG, you always want to get the best weapon possible for the main character, right? After all, you've been through a lot together. He really wants to kick the bad guy's ass and you wanna help him do it. But the game knows this. And it's gonna make you pay.
You can find the chocobo trainer in the Calm Lands. She has 4 races you must complete in order to the get Sun Sigil for Tidus. The first 3 are a breeze. The last one... Oh, the last one is the devil's creation.
what the trainer say their name was? Lucifer?
What you gotta do is ride on the chocobo, and beat the trainer to the end. Oh! And you have to gather balloons (to lose time) avoid birds swooping at your head (they gain you time) and finish with a time less than 0:00.
Yeah. You have to finish with zero or negative time. Because that's a totally reasonable request.
I despise this game. In trying to get absolutely no time on the clock I was ready to find a way inside the game so I could murder the trainer myself. Dodging birds is a bitch when they're honed to you like your head is made of bird seed. And if you don't grab JUST the right amount of balloons, it's over for you. Might as well hurl your body off a cliff.
This is the worst minigame I have ever played in any game ever. I hate it so much that I've given up trying. The sad part is...it's not impossible. I've seen it done. That's why the moral of the story is this - you find someone who can beat this game for you. And you marry them.
This frustrating minigame that drives me to murder stands alone at #1 on my lovely little list.
So that's the list. Now I wanna hear your favorite and least favorite minigames/side quests. ...And don't say you love the chocobo trainer just to play with me. I'll know you're lying.
