Review ~ Final Fantasy IV DS

Okay, this game is a little old. Well, technically the game itself is a LOT old, but this incarnation isn't so bad.

So on Saturday I finally beat the game, which I had previously complained about here and here. 


(Oh, and this review contains no crappy iPhone photos taken in a car.)


Let's get down to it.


Final Fantasy IV originally came out for the Super Nintendo a number of years ago. It has been reincarnated several times since, and I'm pretty sure I own all of those efforts. However, this version of the game was improved with new graphics, cut scenes and junk, which refreshed it a bit. After starting and stopping this game so many times, I was determined to finally beat it. (Success! Yay!)


Story: In the early days, Squaresoft (remember those days?) was obsessed with crystals, apparently, because it seems like the story of all their early titles revolves around them in some way. This game is no exception. An evil guy is stealing all the crystals in the world for an evil purpose and it's your job to stop him! OMG! To the 16bit airship! Okay, so the story isn't going to win any prizes, but it's really not bad as far as early RPG's go. There's a clear purpose and actually plenty of twists and turns along the way. What more do you need, really?


Characters: At most points in the game you have a 5 character party. A what? Yeah, it's worth repeating. 5 CHARACTERS. IN YOUR PARTY. AT THE SAME TIME. We can only dream of that in this gaming era, but the fact is you kinda need every last character you can wrangle into your band of misfits. But more on that later. As far as the characters themselves go, aside from Cecil, your main dude, and to a lesser extent Kain, his pal, there's not too much character development. They all have their own personalities though: Rosa, the annoying homemaker wanna be; Rydia, the mysterious one; Edge, the brash one; Yang, so full of pride and honor; Palom and Porom, the vivacious kids; Tellah, the old guy; Edward, the sissy; Cid, hardworking and determined - you get the idea. You don't get to pick and choose what characters you want to use at any point in the game. You use who you have and you deal with it. Characters rotate in and out of your party, but unlike most other games, they don't usually come back. It kind of makes it hard to power level, because there's a good chance you'll be losing a character or two in the not too distant future. One of the characters you finish the game off with doesn't show up until the final few hours of gameplay.


Battle System: There's really nothing special here. It's pretty basic for an old school RPG. Each character has a set job they're forced into. It comes with various abilities. You learn new spells and the like by leveling up. You can't see what spells or abilities you're going to learn, nor can you choose or control it in any way. There's no skill to learning stuff except grinding. However, there was a new augment system added into this version that reaps pretty good abilities - but if you don't understand how this system works, as I didn't, you'll miss out on a lot of good stuff. The game never really explains how this works. Once your character learns an augment they can use that ability. Some are battle abilities that you can add to your menu to use on the field, but others are default abilities you just have all the time. I strongly suggest using one of the good guides you can find at Gamefaqs if you want to get all the augments. It's worth it. Because a lot of them are pretty awesome.

Gameplay: Battles move fast in this game, even when you don't have the ATB set to active. (If you're not a gamer, that last sentence will mean nothing.) I found several bosses to be very difficult to defeat, despite being over leveled. (And there were even a few random encounter enemies - dragons, mostly. WTF is with the crystals and the dragons?! - that slaughtered my ass.) I was over level 70 and still had a hard time with the last boss - something I never have a problem with in Final Fantasy's newer installments. Cecil was the only one with decent HP when it finally fell. Another character had 2 HP and everyone else was KO'd. So you remember when I said you'd need every last character? Yeah. But there's more to this game than level grinding. Many of these bosses and enemies require good strategy to go down. Not just brute force.



Graphics: The updated graphics are pretty, if kind of cutesy. You even kinda wanna cuddle armored Kain. For a DS game, though, it's fine. The game has voice acting in most of the cut scenes, which really isn't a lot, but it's enjoyable nonetheless. The new graphics and updating really does a lot to make this game fresh, but at the same time proves that older games can stand the test of time.


Sidequests: The older Final Fantasy games aren't really known for their side quests - but there a few. Most of them involve getting better summon or equipment and can be completed later in the game. There's also the obnoxious Namingway side quest, which I never finished and don't feel about. If he wants to wait forever for that stupid pudding, so be it. You also get items for map completion, which I thought was a nice touch and really had me going into every nock and cranny of the dungeons in order to reap the rewards - which were pretty decent, especially towards the end of the game.


Overall: Great classic RPG with good story and characters, solid gameplay and appropriate, enjoyable updates. Fans of both new and old school RPG's will have fun with this one - I know I did. It really does stand the test of time.


93 out of 100

Final Fantasy Dissidia ~ Thoughts and Complaints

So, I'm basically a Final Fantasy whore. I'll pretty much any game featuring those two words. ("Final Fantasy's economics textbook adventure? Sweet!") However, I am also notorious for being critical on the games. I thought 10, 10-2 and 12 were all gonna suck. I loved them all. So I tried to keep an open mind about Dissidia, even though deep down I wanted to use the word suck so bad.

Well, I had to be right eventually.

Okay, let me correct that. The game doesn't suck. It just doesn't appeal to me. I'm not a fan of fighting games as it is. Not from my experience with Final Fantasy that aren't RPGs, this isn't necessarily enough to turn me off. In fact I beat and rather enjoyed Dirge of Cerberus, even though it's a shooting game, which I hate even more than fighting games. But I think Squarenix went wrong in several ways before I even got my hands on the game:

1. It's on the PSP.  Seriously, is there a worse system to put a fighting game on? Usually with a fighting game you want to play against other people. The PSP being a pretty expensive handheld system, with not too many great titles on it, I only know a small amount of people who own one. And while Brian and I each own a DS, there's only one PSP in the house. They should have put this out for PS3 - or at the very least make downloadable on the PSN. That way at least all you'd need to play with a friend is a second controller.
2. The character line up. So, with all the characters Squarenix has to choose from in the Final Fantasy games, they chose only to use the main hero and villain from each game. Well, kind of. I hardly call Jecht the villain of X. Seriously. Seymour would have been better. But I digress. No one gives a shit about half the characters in the game. I don't think anyone saw the character choices and thought, "Man, I can't wait to play as the Warrior of Light!" And you know what, I could have stomached the line up of losers from the games that time forgot if they had some decent unlockables. But no. There is a total lack of that as well. No kicking ass with Auron or Cid for you. 

  Top Line: 1. Warrior of Who Gives a Shit. 2. Random Guy #2. 3. Character so pointless they don't have a name. 4. Cecil. 5. Kid Icarus. Or Bartz. Or something. Who can tell. 6. Terra
2nd Line: 7. Cloud. 8. Squall. 9. Zidane. 10. TIDUS! It's Tie-dus! How does that look like Tee-dus in any way? I refuse to call him that! You try and make me! 11. Are you fucking kidding me? 12. Cosmos, or something.
Villains, 1st Line: 1. Ugly guy. 2. Crazy hair. 3. Skanky boobs. 4. Golbez. 5. X-DEATH THE ELIMINATOR 6. Kefka, the scariest clown in existence. 
2nd Line: 7. Um...it's on the tip of my mind...uh...oh, I don't know. Seph...something. 8. Ultimecia. 9. Kuja, the oh so fabulous one. 10. Jecht, who's suddenly evil. 11. Seriously?!?! Does that game even count?! 12. Super McEvil Dude.








 With all the potentional they had, they kind of screwed up from the beginning. The idea of a Final Fantasy fighting game, even for a non-fighting game fan like me, was appealing. Who wouldn't want to see some of your favorite characters go head to head against a friend? Well, for that the game would actually have to have some favorite characters. And I hope your friend has a PSP.

Other things that suck about this game:

• Level design. Holy crap. With all the locations to choose from, they instead chose to do either boring plains of non-existence or walls upon walls of colors so brain numbing they must have been conceived during an LSD trip. And way too many cliffs and bottomless pits. Why do so many fighting games have that? These people should fight somewhere a little more stable. Anyway, they should have gone the route of Super Smash Bros. and given us some more levels that were actually relevant to a game, instead of a monkey on mushrooms could have programmed.
• The story is awful. Now, admittedly this is not a strong suit of fighting games as whole, but I think I could think of something less lame in about in about 2 seconds, as could the monkey on shrooms I previously referred to. It's something about crystals and friendship and other gag inducing crap I zoned out immediately. Can I play as the villains now? They're trying to destroy all that, right?
• Overly confusing systems. Well, that's Final Fantasy for you, one could say. And you'd  have a point. And I'm sure if I spent a lot of time with the game I'd get the hang of it at some point. But I shouldn't have to read every single tutorial to shed some light on what the hell's going on.

There was something I liked about the game - the chocobo. He was pretty cute. Oh, and the help menus. They feature characters from past games and it was kind of cool to see them. But if the best thing about the game is the Help menus, you know there's a fucking problem.


Overall, I think this game is a disappointment. Even seeing Sephiroth without a shirt could not save this game for me. I think you have to like fighting games to enjoy it - Brian, who does enjoy fighting games, seemed to really enjoy it. This game is not enough fan service for Final Fantasy fans in general. I hope if they choose to do another one they take some of my complaints into consideration. (Because you know Squarenix is sooooo reading this.)

 

Yup. Not even worth it for this.

7 Best and 7 Worst Minigames/Side Quests in Final Fantasy ~ Part One

What the title says.

Seriously, though. There is a lot to do in the modern Final Fantasy games. (I say modern, because VI and lower really didn't have to much to offer in terms of "extras", so this list is gonna focus on VII and up.) There are games to play, things to fetch, people to see. You can spend hours doing something that has almost nothing to do with the plot, and usually you can score some pretty neat items this way.


In compiling this list, what exactly did I decide a minigame/side quest was? And how can I even put those two things in the same category? They're not the same. Maybe not, but they're still similar. A minigame mostly takes place in one area. I would consider Triple Triad, Blitzball and the Gold Saucer Battle Arena as minigames. Side quests, however, usually take you all over the map looking for something/someone which then sends you somewhere else. I consider Chocobo Breeding in VII, Mark Hunting in XII and the Monster Arena side quests. But there's two things that all good minigames and side quests have in common: they take up chunks (sometimes hours upon hours) of your time, and you get rewarded. So that's why I've clumped them together.


Anyway, that's enough of an intro, don't you think? I do. We don't wanna get into Webster's definition of a minigame or a side quest. (Which I'm sure doesn't exist.) So, on with our list. Let's start with the good.


Top 7 Minigames/Side Quests In Final Fantasy VII - XII


7. "Here The Fighting Never Ends" - The Gold Saucer Battle Arena, VII

 

Not pictured: The grisly murder Sephiroth committed.

Gold Saucer is a minigame mecca. There's tons of crap you can waste your time with there. You can ride a motorcycle, snowboard, of even feed a mog if that suits your fancy. But none of these games are really worth your time. They're more for times when you feel like if you have to feed that damn green chocobo one more green you're gonna scream. The Battle Arena, however, actually has a purpose.


Basically in the battle arena you enter in a series of battles and play until you get knocked out. Each round some slots spin and you are handicapped in some way. These range from status effects to breaking your weapons and materia so they can no longer be used. For each successfully won battle you get BP, which you can trade in for prizes. If you fight a lot of successful battles and save a lot of BP you can get some exclusive awesome prizes such as w-summon materia, final attack materia (I'm comin', Ruby Weapon) and the much coveted Omnislash limit break. This makes fighting in the battle arena totally worth your time.


Unfortunately while fighting can sometimes be fun, the process of getting these awesome rewards is often long and frustrating. The computer can completely fuck you over by breaking all your materia on subsequent turns of its death wheel. And fighting in the battle arena against mostly the same series of monsters can get kind of boring after awhile. That's why the battle arena finds itself on the bottom of my list. 


Plus, what is with the tissues as a prize? What do they think Cloud does in his spare time? ...Or do I even wanna know...


6. "We Like 'Em Rare" - Phon Coast Hunt Club, XII


So there's this point in XII where you find yourself on this beautiful beach. And you run into these upstanding gents that want to ask you a little favor.

Whatever you do, don't follow them into the shack.

They're looking for rare monsters, see. Only they suck at it. Or they're lazy. I don't remember. Either way, they want you to go out and find the rare monsters, and bring the trophies back to them. They'll be more than happy to reward you. Only there's 3 of them, and only one trophy per monster, so you have to decide who you're gonna favor, and who better buck up and go find their own damn monsters.


There's just something about completing a list of something, isn't there? So a list of rare monsters to track down sounds exciting at first. Then all the sudden you're fleeing for your life while some out of control, undead, unholy terror is chasing you, casting spells you wish never existed. (True story.)


So yeah, it's fun for awhile to hunt down the rare monsters. Emphasis on for awhile. Because these monsters are rare for a reason. They don't like to come out and play. So after entering the same screen on the Tchita Uplands for the fiftieth time and seeing nothing, you're almost ready to smash the controller. That fact, along with the decent, but not game changing awards you receive, lands this one at #6.


5. "NBL" - Blitzball, X

And Tidus prepares to get poisoned by the Al Bhed Psyches. Again.

Spira sure loves their blitzball. But I guess when you only got one sport you don't really have much choice. And if you wanna unlock Wakka's ultimate weapon, you don't got much choice yourself. Get in the water and throw the ball around, ya?


Blitzball is a game that's basically like soccer, only it's played in water. How anyone can breathe is beyond me. Because nobody's wearing a suba tank of any kind. But basically what you wanna do is score goals. Whoever has the most goals when the time runs out wins. Really complicated, right? And there are techs and crap and as the characters play they gain experience and level up and such. Basically the only techs you give a crap about involve shooting goals. The Al Bhed team is obsessed with poisoning you.


Blitzball always starts out fun. It's fun to get your team together and put your best players on the field. It's not easy to win at first, but once you get the hang of things and your team starts to level up a bit, winning gets easier.


And not long after that...it gets too easy.


If you recruit Rikku's brother for your team (his actual name is Brother. Apparently his parents didn't give a shit about him.) you will soon learn why major league teams will spend big bucks on one guy. I'm pretty sure he could win all by himself. Before long he's swimming so fast the other team has passed out from trying to keep up. It's almost a joke. Meanwhile, you yawn and shoot yet another goal. Just another blitzball game. Whoop dee freakin' do.


You have to play a LOT of games of blitzball, because the item you need to unlock Wakka's weapon only comes up after you win some tournaments. By that time you're so leveled up the opposing teams are a joke and blitzball games feel like twenty minutes of watching Brother show off. 


So fun at first, but boring in the end...blitzball places fifth.


4. "Vaan The Bounty Hunter" - Clan Centurio, XII


Who wouldn't wanna join a club led by this little guy?

 

He wants you to kill things.

If you want awesome rewards and fun challenges that'll last you all game long, you better sign yourself up.


You can join Clan Centurio at the beginning of the game, and basically what you're doing is bounty hunting. You're given a person to go talk to about a monster, and after talking with them you either accept the job or give them the shifty eyes, claiming you have other stuff to do while you slink away. After you defeat the monster, you return to that person for your reward. The more marks you kill, the higher your rank and the more hunts you unlock. You even get more rewards from the moggle (pictured above.) It's easy...and fun! Oh, and you're helping people. Or something. I guess.



Seriously, hunting marks is fun. It's a great side quest you can go back to all throughout the game if you wanna get away from the main story. And not only are the rewards great, but it's a nice way to level up too, while doing something different. Oh, and there's prime stuff to steal as well.


So this side quest is all over awesome. I really don't have a bad thing to say about it. ...Okay, so following gilgamesh deeper and deeper into the mines for hours wasn't exactly a picnic, but it was worth it to steal his shit.


3. "Beware The Random Rule" - Triple Triad, VIII




Oh, Triple Triad. How I used to curse you. Now I love you. You're like the nerdy kid in school who gets made fun of until the popular kid realizes they can cheat off you in biology. Or something like that.

Selphie wants to be under Seifer.

Triple Triad is a card game you can play pretty much all game long. You walk up to someone, press square, and if they're a card player, a game will start. Now I'm not going to go into the whole explanation of how to play, but there are various rules that change how the game is played. These vary from region to region. Most of them are horrible. Especially the random rule. The random rule is just what is sounds like - you don't get to choose your own cards. Instead, they're randomly chosen from your hand. So while you may have many awesome character cards to choose from, the computer will undoubtedly select all your bite bug and jelleye cards. Not so fun.


The good thing is you can spread the one rule that's good, (open - seeing your opponent's hand is always a good thing...unless it's on your leg) and banish the rules you hate. (Like random, same-wall, random, elemental, random, same, random, plus, random, that other rule that's horrible, and random. Did I mention random?) This takes some work and understanding of how the rules are spread. But it's worth it. Because easier card playing means you'll be able to get all the good cards without much effort. And you won't wanna strangle your kinda sister Ellone for beating you at cards. Again.


So why do you want these cards anyway? To stare at the pretty pictures? No. Because the cards can be turned into items. Awesome, useful items. A big thing in VIII is changing and combining items into different items using GF abilities. A lot of the items you can get from cards are rare - sometimes almost impossible to get without the card. And if you want to fight Ultima Weapon, you're gonna want the gilgmesh card. So just hand it over, Quistis!


So super fun despite the time it might take to manipulate the rules, great rewards - it's a great addition to the game, really. I curse it no more. Only two really awesome side quests could knock this minigame down to number 3.


2. "Gotta Catch 'Em All!" - The Monster Arena, X


Off in this little nook in the Calm Plains is this creepy guide who lives alone with his dragon. He likes to take monsters, breed them with other monsters, and create brand new monsters! Totally a legit operation.

 

You wanna make a what with a what now?!

So you visit this guy, and he'll sell you weapons so that you can "catch" monsters rather than kill them. You can catch a maximum of 10 of each monster in the game. And as you catch all the monsters of a certain species or all the fiends in a certain location, creepy guy gives you rewards. Oh, and you can also fight his creepy creations for prizes. He's not responsible for any of the injuries you most certainly will get.


I'm a bit obsessed with the monster arena. I just love it. I always collect 10 of every monster in the game, and I'm sad when it's over. You'll spend a lot of time gathering monsters, especially if you're determined to get 10 of every kind - hey! Just think of yourself as a fucked up Noah! The rewards you get are great - not only for your sphere grid but there's some rare stuff in there as well.


It's worth it to fight his freaks of nature as well - but be warned. Those things get really difficult to defeat. My team was jacked, and I still kept getting creamed by this one monster. I don't know how they don't murder him in his sleep. But again, for the sweet prizes, you'll keep licking your wounds and coming back.


There's only one side quest that can knock my beloved monster arena to number two.


1. "Feelin' Hot, Hot, Hot!" - Chocobo Hot and Cold - IX


I love IX. Really. I do. But not as much as I love this side quest.

 

That's the sound of him pooping himself.

Wandering into a forest at the beginning of the game, you find an enterprising moogle exploiting a poor, lost chocobo. If you give the moogle some gil, he'll let you ride his pal and search for treasure for like a minute. Yeah, this moogle is some friend. But it's good for you, because this chocobo will lead you to some great stuff. As you run around to the catchy tune, you press a button to search the area for treasure. Choco's response goes from Kweh. (There's nothing here, you bloodsucking jerk.) to KWWEEH-EHHH! (Here's your god damn treasure! Now get the fuck off!) That's when you wanna dig for shiny pretty things. As you play, Choco's beak strength gets stronger and you can dig stuff up faster. You also start finding "Chocographs" which lead you to even better treasure you can find outside the forest and around the world map. After the forest there's also a lagoon and air garden to explore. And Choco gains powers so he can climb mountains, cross oceans and eventually fly. By the time you're at the end of the game, the moogle's rolling in money, Zidane's draped in treasure, and the chocobo is seeing a chiropractor.


Chocobo hot and cold is just so much fun. It's addicting. And the song is really cute and catchy. Treasures aside (and the rewards are great - definitely worth the time) I would probably play this even if I was just fattening the moogle's wallet. And even though it costs a little to play, you'll save a lot of money by not having to buy all the potions and other items you're digging up at a shop. You also get points for each item you dig up, and for meeting certain other conditions. You can then trade those points for even MORE items. In the end, as far as your gil goes, it's a bargain. So you're happy and the moogle's happy. But not the chocobo. He's still not happy.


Up next...saving the worst for last.

You Can Kiss .04% Of My Ass!

So. RPGs. You are often awesome, but also often frustrating. Why, why, why must you make me seek out rare items from usually equally rare monsters? And even if the monster isn't rare, why is it that I could slaughter thousands and still just end up with nothing but potions?

Explain.

I make fun of this concept in RPGs all the time. "Oh, you can only get this awesome weapon from me if you go up to the dangerous avalanche prone snowy mountains of death and get a silvery golden hair scrunchy! One of the monsters there drops it! In the meantime I will stand here, torturing you with said awesome weapon of amazingness. You know you want it."

Okay. Since you can't just kill the random townsperson and take said item, you look on Gamefaqs or in the strategy guide and find out what drops this stupid item and how often. That's when you get the bad news. And when you go on the Gamefaqs message board 90% of the topics involve people asking how they can get this stupid item easier. And the horror stories of people who spent 45 hours trying to get it. 45 hours?! The game programmer wanted me to waste that many hours of my life looking, hoping for this stupid pixelated baddie to drop this fucking thing?! Why is this viscous beast carrying this item anyway?! He's holding money, too - hell, I'll buy it off him! How much does he want?

It's kind of ridiculous. And while it's not a hair scrunchy I'm currently searching for, the circumstances are nearly as stupid in Final Fantasy IV.

So there's this rabbit. Yeah, a rabbit. Here's the little demon spawn:
His name starts out as Namingway, but considering he's having some kind of identity crisis, he keeping moving around the world, taking on different career paths and changing his name every time. My personal favorite so far has been "Cheatingway, the two timer" after he panicked and revealed he was dating two human females at once. Disgusting reasons aside, I don't think any subsequent names will live up to that.

Especially his current one. "Puddingway".

I swear I am not making any of this up.

So Puddingway wants me to find this certain pudding for his girlfriend. (He was able to settle on one, apparently. The other girl is still crying her eyes out that even a hormonal rabbit didn't want her.) She wants a "rainbow pudding". And he'll wait here patiently until you bring it to him.

Great. Onto the web I go - where can I find this shit? And does it have anything to do with Bill Cosby?

So I find out what kind of monsters drop the pudding. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't eat some pudding that was dropped but some random disgusting blob monster:


Ew. And that's only one kind. Anyway, I find out these blobs are easy enough to find - no problem, right?

Wrong.

Then I get a look at the drop success rate.

0.04%

In case you ain't good at math, that's a LESS THAN ONE PERCENT DROP RATE. Are they kidding me?! And then I saw all the posts for people begging for help and the guy who spent 45 hours looking for a rainbow pudding dropped by a blob of mustard.

The rational side of my mind says: Fuck it. It's a game. Move on with your life.

But the gamer side says: ...I gotta complete this quest.

So what's a nerd to do?

I am by no means a completionist when it comes to games. In fact I rarely get 100%. But I have had times where I spent an godly amount of hours with a controller in my hand, slashing monsters with a sword and casting cure when needed. (Final Fantasy X and XII both come to mind...) But at the same time I have a life here. I have a job. I can't be chasing pudding until the wee hours of the morning for some stupid ass lazy rabbit that should be getting it for his own goddamn girlfriend.

So I'm gonna back off for now. Make the rabbit sweat a bit. Apparently there's some kind of augment I can get later in the game that makes it easier to get rare items. Then me and mustard blob can talk again.

In the meantime, rabbit, better change your name to Waitingway.

4th Time's a Charm

So I randomly decided today that I want to play Final Fantasy IV once and for all.

I can't tell you the amount of times I have started that game, stopped, forgotten about it, and had to start over again. This had to have been like the fourth time. (Hence the title of this post.)

The sad part is, I have purchased this game THREE times. Yeah. Three times, still haven't beaten it. The first time was part of Final Fantasy Chronicles, which came out for PSX (yeah, the ORIGINAL Playstation) in 2001. Then again when it came out for Gameboy Advance in 2005 and finally more recently, when it came out for Nintendo DS. At least I bought it used this time.

But guess what? I only have the guide for Final Fantasy Chronicles. So I'm using that.

Yeah...

I used the guide to play the reincarnation of Chrono Trigger for the DS. It was okay. Obviously there was plenty of new stuff in the newer game, but none of the boss strategies led me hopelessly astray.

Final Fantasy IV, however, has been a whole other fucking story.

So I'm playing along, la la la, and I'm fighting this boss. Now I know from my past experience that IV is a harder RPG and you kind of have to level grind in order to stay ahead of the game and stay alive. So I've been there, done that, I was good to go. Or so I thought. I'm fighting this boss, "Mom Bomb" or whatever, I've got 5 fucking people in my party, and things are going swimmingly. Ye olde guide says that mama bomb will explode at one point into 6 smaller bombs causing, AND I QUOTE "about 60 - 100 points of damage to each member of your party"!!!!!!! Oh noes! Whatever. My current party could have brushed that off like a paper scratch. Okay, so my HP weren't super high, but they were high enough that I could have absorbed that no problem, and gone on with my day.

Only that's not what happened.

Instead, mommy bomb exploded in violent balls of flame, causing 400+ damage to each and every member of my lovely party of five, killing them all instantly. "The Party Has Fallen" the gamely pleasantly informed me in a neat little bar at the top of the screen, as if I was blind and couldn't see my five supposed heros lying flat on their little pixeled faces. That god damn outdated guide! WTF?! How is that 60 - 100 points of damage?! Can someone not count?! Do they need a calculator?! I was so pissed I threw my DS onto the couch proclaiming, "Fuck this game!" And stormed upstairs to check something that wasn't published when Baywatch was still on the air.

So I checked Gamefaqs. Trusty gamefaqs. And you know what I learned? That the only way to survive that battle in this newest reincarnation is to have everybody defend. Because otherwise it's game over.

So I don't know if I should be mad at Square Enix for changing their own game that drastically (can't you leave the boss battles alone at least?) or myself for using a guide as old as the series finale of Daria. (Yeah, it's been that long. Can you believe it? And the DVDs are where, MTV?)

Anyway, lesson learned. I'm not trusting that guide for boss battle advice anymore!

...But I'm still gonna use it. Because I'm cheap. And I'm not buying a new one.

Top 10 Memorable Lines in Final Fantasy Games

(This, believe it or not, was rejected from Gamefaqs for being "too narrow". Oh well. We can enjoy it here, since it took me hours to put together!)

In a series like Final Fantasy, where every game is an epic quest, there are many things said that stand out. These are just some of the memorable lines that may have made you smile, stop and think, or even shed a tear.

10: "...That is my story." - Auron Final Fantasy X (PS2)
The full line: "Legendary guardian? I was just a boy. A boy about your age, actually. I wanted to change the world, too. But I changed nothing. That is my story."
The phrase "my story" was certainly used frequently in this game. When the party finally gets to their destination, Auron reveals that he wavered the first time he came to Zanarkand. This causes Wakka to comment that even legendary guardians choke sometimes. Auron's response is this line. Sometimes it's hard to remember that this tough and experienced warrior was young and naive once too.

9: "........Whatever." - Squall Final Fantasy VIII (PS)
"Whatever" is the full line in this case. Squall uses this word so frequently in the game it's basically his catchphrase. It's certainly the word most associated with Squall. It's his universal answer to everything, even if he might not always say it aloud.

8: "...I just can't handle the pressure..." - Irvine Final Fantasy VIII (PS)
The full line: "I...I can't...I'm sorry, I can't do it. I always choke like this... I try to act all cool, joke around, but I just can't handle the pressure..."
Irvine is the sharpshooter from Galbadia Garden who joined your team for the purpose of assassinating sorceress Edea. Once everything for the plan is finally in place, it's time for Irvine to take up his gun and do his job. But he's only sitting there, shaking. Squall yells at him, but all Irvine can do is speak this line. The once seemingly confident lone wolf shows his true colors.

7: "...I've lost all sense of purpose..." - Locke Final Fantasy VI (PS)
The full line: "I wasn't able to save Rachel... I've lost all sense of purpose... My life will have no meaning until I can right this terrible wrong..."
Rachel was Locke's love, and she lost her memory while trying to save him from a collapsing bridge. Later she was badly hurt in an Imperial attack. Locke feels responsible for this, and goes on a quest for the Phoenix esper, which he hopes will save her. He speaks this line in the Phoenix cave, when you find him again in the World of Ruin. It really makes you feel for Locke.

6: "...I'll control the world with fear..." - Rufus Final Fantasy VII (PS)
The full line: "That's right. I'll let you hear my new appointment speech. …Old man tried to control the world with money. It seems to have been working. The population thought that Shinra would protect them. Work at Shinra, get your pay. If a terrorist attacks, the Shinra army will help you. It looks perfect on the outside. But, I do things differently. I'll control the world with fear. It takes too much to do it like my old man. A little fear will control the minds of the common people. There's no reason to waste money on them."
After his father is killed, Rufus is quick to arrive at Shinra headquarters. He meets up with Cloud and his party on the roof of the building. Rufus doesn't waste time before he details exactly how he plans to control the world. Chilling.

5: "...I am becoming one with the Planet." - Sephiroth Final Fantasy VII (PS)
The full line: "A lost treasure house of knowledge. The wisdom of the Ancients... I am becoming one with the Planet."
This dialouge is classic because becoming one with the planet is the main line associated with Sephiroth. In the temple of the Ancients, Cloud and Aeris see a flashback of a recent encounter Tseng had with Sephiroth. Tseng tries to question Sephiroth about the temple, and this is his answer. His insane plot is finally about to be revealed.

4: "...I'll be your knight." - Squall Final Fantasy VIII (PS)
The full line: (Rinoa...... Even if you end up as the world's enemy, I'll... I'll be your knight.)
This line is thought rather than spoken, but for a man of few words like Squall, that's to be expected. While in space Squall discovers that Rinoa has taken on the powers of the sorceress. When they land, she's taken away to have her powers sealed for the safety of the world. But Squall comes to her rescue. Alone again, they talk in a meadow by Edea's house. Rinoa worries what will happen if she gets posessed again. Squall doesn't respond verbally, but we get to see what's really in his heart.

3: "...What irony..." - Freya Final Fantasy IX (PS)
The full line: "Ahahaha...What irony. To find the man about whom I have dreamt endlessly......only to discover that he cannot even remember who I am!"
Freya's love, Sir Fratley, went out on a journey around the world but never returned. So she went out to search for him. To her great joy she does find him alive, only his memory is completely gone and he doesn't remember her at all. Vivi asks Freya if she is crying, and this is her response. You can really feel her pain.

2: "...You know what they say about the leading man?" - Balthier Final Fantasy XII (PS2)
The full line: "Princess! No need to worry. I hope you haven't forgotten my role in this little story. I'm the leading man. You know what they say about the leading man? He never dies."
At the end of the game, Balthier is aboard Bahamut trying to keep it from falling and crushing the city of Rabanastre. His odds of survival don't look very good. Ashe asks him if he understands what he's doing. This is his response. Balthier refers to himself as the leading man several times throughout the game, but you can't help but smile at this one.

1: "...But...not like this..." - Sephiroth Final Fantasy VII (PS)
The full line: "....I've always felt since I was small...That I was different from the others. Special, in some way. But... not like this...."
This line comes during the infamous flashback, where Cloud is telling the group what happened in Nibelheim when Sephiroth disappeared. Sephiroth is in the reactor, investigating the mako mutated creatures stored there, when he starts to come to the realization that maybe he too was created this way. Maybe he is one of these monsters. This line really shows the human side of Sephiroth, before he is driven mad. It's the last line Cloud recollects before finding Sephiroth in the Shinra mansion basement.

The Final Fantasy series is full of memorable lines, and this is just a few of them. I'm sure that future installments in the series will have memorable lines of their own. And it doesn't matter if the dialouge is spoken or displayed in a text box. Every Final Fantasy game draws you into the story and gives you characters you care about, whether you hate them or love them.

It Feels Just Like I'm Playing For the First Time...Okay, Maybe Not ~ FFVIII

Long story short, I've decided to play Final Fantasy VIII. Again. Honestly I cannot tell you how many times I have played this game. But it's a lot. I have done everything in this game that you can possibly do. And yet I keep coming back for more.

I guess it's special to me for two reasons: one, it's the first Final Fantasy game I played, and two, I can identify a lot with Squall, the main character. He's a brunette who's cranky and doesn't trust people. I'm also a brunette who's cranky and doesn't trust people. Luckily for me I don't overuse the word "Whatever." Squall is far and away my favorite Final Fantasy lead character.

But back to the game.

I didn't get very far last night. I played for around two hours and just finished the Fire Cavern. Right now I'm supposed to go to my room and change into my uniform for the SeeD Field exam. But instead I ran around Garden playing cards. But more on that in a minute.

There's several things that always annoy me at the beginning of this game.

• When Squall and Seifer are in their class at the beginning of the game, everyone else is wearing their school uniform. Why do they get special permission? I guess you can make the argument that Squall just came from the infirmary, but if he slashed Seifer across the face too (which we can assume from the matching scar Seifer sports) why wasn't Seifer seen in the infirmary as well?
• Squall has apparently been studying at Garden for a long time. And apparently he knows nothing. I understand they want to explain to you how to play (and badly, because those tutorials blow ass) but the guy is supposed to know all this stuff already. He's about to take an important exam. He should know how to use his gunblade. I know I'm totally nitpicking, but they could have presented that information in a context that actually made sense.
• Quistis is supposed to be like this prodigy who became a SeeD at like age 15 or something. So why is she only 2 levels above Squall?

So anyway, I get the starter deck of cards, skip all of Quistis' stupid tutorials, and leave Garden. I junction Shiva to Quistis and Quzeqotal (totally not spelled right) to Squall. Then I fight some stuff for awhile, until Squall has 100 blizzard and 100 cure spells and both GF's have learned boost and summagic10%. Then I go into the fire carvern and picked the 20 minute time limit. Mistake! I did not take my time getting through that cavern. And even though I spent more time drawing spells from Ifrit than attacking him, I still beat him with 10 minutes to spare. Blah. That is bad for the SeeD exam results. Oh well.

So back out of the fire cavern and back into Garden. "Go change and meet back here!" Quistis commands. Yeah, okay. I go save, and then it's a mission to win some cards that don't suck.

This is not a very easy mission. The starter deck of cards SUCKS. I won't play cards until after I beat Ifrit, because at least then I have his card, which is pretty good. It's definitely leaps and bounds better than the other shitty cards you get at the beginning of the game.

So I go on a mission to find someone whose cards suck just as much as mine. And I'm LOSING (and resetting after each loss). Of course I'm making the mistake of playing offensively rather than defensively. Finally I manage to win a Mesmorize card from some kid in the cafeteria. Then I find a guy who appears by the front of Garden who has crappy cards. I change to a defensive game and take an Abyss Worm card. This is a pretty decent card because while it's not overly powerful it's good starting card because it's got decent numbers protecting it if you put it in the bottom left corner. I keep playing this guy until I've got a decent hand of cards. His cards are no longer any good to me. So I move onto the guy at the reception station and beat him. He's got bettter cards. Now I'm feeling pretty confident so I go inside and find that kid who runs around. He plays MiniMog, and I take it. MiniMog is super strong up and down (with 9's) and weak on the sides, but it's still a very useful card early in the game. Then I head for the library where I know there's this guy who plays pretty good cards. I manage to win a Malboro card from him, which is a good card for this stage of the game. Finally I've got a good hand. It's time to go win the Quistis card.

I've been saving after every match until this point because I don't quite trust my hand 100% yet. I'm a decent card player now (a far cry from the days where I had no idea what I was doing and spread the random rule all over the freakin' place) but I still don't want to lose my Ifrit card and then have to win it back. But by now I'm feeling pretty good. I know the kid in the cafeteria, one of the Quistis groupies, has the Qusitis card, but the rest of his cards aren't very good. It takes him awhile to play the card, but once he does I win it. Victorious! I finally have a decent hand. Happily, I go off to save. Now I'll go forward with the game so I can do the SeeD exam and go play cards in Balamb. (Gotta win Zell's card from his mom!)

How I Found Video Games, Or How Video Games Found Me (part three)

In case you're too lazy to scroll: part one part two

Part Three: Another Game In Town

As I mentioned at the end of my last entry, I wanted a N64 for Christmas. Why? Because a new Donkey Kong game was coming out for that system. A SNES was no longer gonna cut it.

I made it very well known that I wanted an N64. So come Christmas morning I unwrapped all of my gifts.

No N64.

But I can't say this was a video game system free Christmas. Why? Because my SISTER, who barely plays video games, got a Playstation. Yup. A Playstation.

Let me backtrack a minute. I still don't know why my parents chose to give the Playstation to my sister. I wound up playing it way, way, way more and currently have it in my home. Why they got the system at all was because my dad heard it was better or something.

Neither the Playstation nor the N64 were new systems at this point. No way. They were a few years old in fact. I didn't know much about the Playstation. The most I knew about it was from seeing the demo system in Toys R Us (I thought the controller was the weirdest bulkiest thing ever and I thought the symbols on the buttons was a strange choice.) and reading an article that pitted it against the Sega Saturn in an issue of Zillions. (LOVED that magazine. If they still made it, I'd still subscribe.)

Oh, and I also vaguely knew something about a game called Final Fantasy, but I'll get to that in a minute.

I was kind of annoyed that I wanted an N64 and didn't get one, but my sister gets this Playstation and doesn't even play video games. But being a video game freak, I consented to play it anyway, of course. We had two games: Toy Story 2 and Crash Bandicoot: Warped. I remember when I first tried to play Toy Story it told me I couldn't save because I didn't have a "memory card". This concept was foreign to me. Why did you need a separate thing to save the games on? I made my dad go out and buy one.

Back to my N64 saga. After Christmas I had acquired a good amount of money. I was in high school by this point, my senior year, believe it or not. (That SNES had lasted a long damn time.) We went shopping one day and we were able to leave when I spotted a video game store. I ran inside and the store was PACKED. But I saw a box that had not only an N64 but it was bundled with Donkey Kong 64. So of course I bought it. My parents were not pleased. But I was happy.

I'll make my thoughts on the N64 brief, because honestly, it was the most useless system I ever owned. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE Donkey Kong 64 and the price of the system was worth the game. But I never really got into the other games for the system. In fact the only other game I ever owned for it was some stupid Kirby game that felt like it was for 5 year olds. I really was more interested in the Playstation. So I guess in a way my parents had done the right thing. (Pretty shocking, I know.)

Back to the Playstation. As I said before I had heard of a game on the Playstation called Final Fantasy. Some of my friends were playing it. They all talked about a guy named Sephiroth. My friend tried to explain it to me once but she got as far as it was about a guy named Cloud before my eyes glazed over and I lost interest. RPGs were not my thing. They reminded me too much of Link. Plus, they looked too complicated for my action/adventure themed brain. I was determined to steer clear.

My sister, however, was interested. She wanted this game. So she instructed my father to go buy it for us. (Dad was feeling extra generous this holiday for some reason.) He came back with Final Fantasy VIII. My friends, of course, had been talking about Final Fantasy VII. But we didn't know any better and neither had dad. FFVIII was the newest FF title out there. So my sister sat down to play.

I, meanwhile, played through all of Toy Story 2 and all of Crash Bandicoot: Warped. (Both were enjoyable games, especially Crash Bandicoot, which was right up my alley.) My sister, in the mean time, was playing with Final Fantasy VIII. I find it horribly boring to watch other people play video games, so I had no idea what she was up to. She told me about how there was this guy named Seifer who teased this guy named Zell which made Zell flip out. And there was this cool cowboy guy named Irvine. She also had no idea how to play. She dragged Squall's dead body around for a long time because she didn't know how to bring him back to life. (The game eventually gave him some pity HP, I shit you not.) She drove around in one of those rental cars searching for the Tomb of the Unknown King for HOURS. Seriously, HOURS! I tried to help her find it, but we were both overwhelmed by this world map. It was nothing like the games we were used to. (Too much like Link.)

I avoided the game for awhile. But then something bad happened. I had beaten Donkey Kong 64, Toy Story 2, and Crash Bandicoot: Warped. The only game in the house that I hadn't beaten...was Final Fantasy VIII.

So out of boredom and boredom alone I picked up the game, mostly as a joke. And I don't remember when the joke ended and the addiction began but I quickly became hooked. I was all over this game. The junction system confused the heck out of me, it was ages before I figured out how to boost a GF, and forget that card game all together. But I found myself really liking the game. It wasn't like Link at all.

So I made it through Disc One and most of Disc Two with no major problems. By the time I got to the fight with Fujin and Rajin in Balamb the only GF's I had were the ones you started the game with. Yeah. I know. So anyway Fujin and Rajin kicked my ass all over the place. I tried time and time again but all I did was die. I got so frustrated I remember very well throwing the controller to the ground in a fit of rage. I was starting to not like this game anymore.

Then one day at the mall I stopped by the video game store and saw a strategy guide for the game. I opened it up and flipped through it. And there I saw everything I had missed, including a ton of GF's. I remember being amazed you could draw GF's out of some bosses. Well oh crap, I thought. I really messed up big time. So I bought the guide, went home, and decided the only thing I could do to play this game right was start over. So I did. And I will fully admit that I've never played an RPG without owning a strategy guide since.

So in the war of the Playstation vs. the N64, the winner was clear. Parents: 1, Me: 0. If it wasn't for them, I'd probably wouldn't have played a Final Fantasy game until years later, if ever. Weird, really. Go figure.