How I Found Video Games, Or How Video Games Found Me (part one)

Part One: The Beginning

I got a NES when I was six. It was a Christmas present given to me by my grandparents and there are many pictures of me happily posing with the box. Since that was such a long time ago, I don't remember if I specifically requested this gift, or if they just figured it would make a good gift. Either way it doesn't really matter. I had my first system, and my life as a gamer had begun.

Technically I already had a video game system. Or my parents did anyway. We had an Atari, and I remember playing some Pac Man and Breakout as a kid. Those were my favorite titles of the small collection my parents had. I'm not even sure why exactly they had an Atari. Maybe just because it was the thing to have back then. Neither of my parents really play video games. I don't even think I ever saw my dad play it. But I digress.

So I had an NES. And not only did I have an NES but I had the super awesome pack that came with the light gun and the power pad. And the game that came with it had Super Mario Bros., Duck Hunt and Track Meet. I liked Duck Hunt okay, but I wasn't much good at it. I cheated a lot by going right up to the screen to shoot things. Track Meet was more fun, but you needed a few people to play it. Even if it was just my sister and I we would make up names to fill up all six character slots. We used to use a chair to cheat at the jumping. You couldn't stay on too long or you'd stumble and fall! It was a learned art.

But Super Mario Bros. was my favorite. At first I wasn't very good at it. At all. In fact it took me a very looooooooong time just to beat "Cheep Cheep World". This was the name we had given the level where all the Cheep Cheeps jump out at you. Cheep Cheep World was my first video game struggle. I was very proud when I beat it. From there I had to worry about the rest of the game. And of course this was the dark ages where you couldn't save. So every time you had to stop playing and shut the system off you had to start all over again.

My sister also had me convinced for a long time that it was possible to jump over the flag pole in the game. She claimed to have seen it at a friends house. Well I tried and tried but I was never able to do it. Lesson learned - never believe your little sister.

I was only 6, so it took me a long time to finally beat Super Mario Bros. Probably more than a year at least. I remember feeling so proud when I finally beat the game. Then when it asked if I wanted to do a new quest, I was surprised to see the same worlds with fuzzy beetles replacing the Goombas. Guess I was expecting something a little more impressive.

My mother liked Super Mario Bros. as well. I picked up a book about "How to Win at Nintendo Games" (I swear that was the title) at a book fair at my school one year, and one of the tricks in the book was how to get quick 1-ups in the game. The trick was you had to take this turtle shell at the end of level 2-3 and kick it repeatedly against the brown brick like structure it had been walking on. After awhile you'd start getting extra life after extra life. Well I tried and tried but I could never pull this off. My mother, however, somehow managed to master it. To this day I still cannot do that stupid trick. But my mom's got it down like it's second nature.

I never had too many titles for Nintendo. My parents rarely bought me any games. But I had a small collection of titles I enjoyed playing (and some I didn't.). These included:

Super Mario Bros. 2 - I don't remember where or how I got this game, but I never really liked it. The only thing I really liked about it was that you got to play Princess Peach and she could fly. It never felt like a Mario title to me, so I wasn't surprised years later to find out it wasn't. I lost interest in this game and found it kind of hard, so I never beat it. Even now I have no interest in finishing it.

Marble Madness - Oh, I was no good at this game at all. I could not move that stupid marble around. I think maybe I could get to the second level tops before I would keep crashing the marble off a cliff and breaking it, or falling down an endless pit and hearing that creepy scream. (Since when do marbles scream?) Year later, after never getting anywhere in this game and being constantly frustrated by trying to navigate that stupid marble around the totally unrealistic map, I eventually gave it to a friend. She was able to beat it no problem. Go figure.

Spy vs. Spy - I remember getting this gift as a gift for my Communion from my Uncle. (Yeah, cool Uncle!) This was a fun title. We mostly didn't bother with trying to get all the objects and the briefcase and then escaping. (It annoyed us to no end that you couldn't hold more than one item if you didn't have that stupid briefcase. You should have come in with the briefcase then, you stupid spy!) Instead we would plant traps EVERYWHERE and since you lost time every time you got blown up, whoever ran out of time first lost. We always thought it was so morbid that after you died you turned into an angel and went to heaven. Then how did you come back??

Circus Caper - Omg, if this is not one of the worst games ever made, some companies must have churned out some real crap over the years. I hate this game so much I can't help but go into a lot of detail, so bear with me. You have to understand a lot to get a full picture of how bad this game is. I got this game for Christmas one year from my parents. I don't know why they chose this particular game but I'm sure the words 'Bargain Bin' were involved. First this game has the creepiest premise EVER. Two kids, a boy, Timmy, and his sister, whose name I can't remember, want to go to a circus. No idea where their parents are. Probably drunk in an alley somewhere. Anyway, the kids don't have any money because their parents are drunken bums, and the circus is sold out anyway. Aw, shucks. Oh! But this creepy pedophile clown will let you win tickets if you win his sleazy dice game! Now this is the intro you get every time before you play the stupid game. The clown never explains how this game works, and the combination of the dice changes every time. And yet you still win. Every time. Rigged? I think so. Oh! But the creepy clown only has one ticket left! Timmy, being ever so kind, lets his sister have the ticket. He'll wait for her right by the exit! So she goes into the circus tent. This is where the music turns creepy. The show is over, but there's no sign of sister! Then this sleazy guy appears, announces he's Mr. Magic (Yeah, nobody pulled that name out of their ass), he's got the sister, and he's not giving her back. He has no reason to do this, other than the fact that he's a pedophile. "You can't have her!" Timmy cries, but it's to no avail. So Timmy has to go into the circus after his sister.

After that engaging plot, I bet you can't wait to play, right? I mean what child doesn't dream of running into a weird circus at night that's just crawling with clowns? Sadly, not only is the story godawful, but the game play is too. Timmy can walk around or jump crappily. He has a weak punch or a kick that makes him look like he's having a seizure. He also has a slew of crappy items he can use that pop out of enemies when he kills them. I don't know what's more disturbing, the fact that the child is killing clowns or that the clowns are carrying bricks, yo-yos, soccer balls and snack cakes. There were probably more items but they were so useless I forgot them. In the first part of the first level what you basically do is kill clowns, and jump across the mouths of alligators that are opening and closing. Oh, or you can play a carnival game. But let's talk about the alligators first. Okay, first of all, alligators have nothing to do with the circus. Just because most circuses have animals doesn't mean they're zoos. Secondly, why are there random pits full of water in the middle of the floor? Isn't that a hazard for the people working at the circus? Now, saying that jumping across the closed mouths of alligators is a death trap is like saying the sky is blue. But this is a video game, and weird things are to be expected I guess. But Timmy's jumping is so spastic and the mouths of these alligators are so narrow that it gives the phrase 'death trap' a whole new meaning. If hit the open mouth of the alligator (which of course is open most of the time), you die. If you hit the water, you die. Timmy's drunk parents never taught him to swim apparently. That pretty much sums up the first half of the first level. What's in the second half? A jet pack. Now this kid can't even jump right. What do you think giving him a jet pack is going to do to him?

Throughout the first part of the level you will see curtains you can press up in front of and go into. What are these? Carnival games. Now in a circus where people kidnap kids and have dangerous alligators snapping their jaws in the middle of the floor, I guess a game where you have to jump over a moving ball of fire is pretty much expected. You're accompanied by a bear (Hello, ASPCA?) and you have to keep both yourself and Smoky away from the fire. And if you guessed you and Smoky both move like molasses, you're absolutely right! The game is over when either you or Smoky gets torched by the searing hot flame. And I mean torched! When you get hit by the flame the image you get makes you glad this game only had 8-bit graphics! Even then it looks like you're going to need some serious time in intensive care and a lot of plastic surgery to recover! But the of course you exit the game without a scratch on you. Well, until you get mauled in the alligator pit.

There's also a fairy who's in this game for some reason. What is the point of the fairy? Well, if you get really badly hurt she'll come and play a dice game with you to see if you're lucky enough to live. If that doesn't sound screwed up enough, you should know that the fairy does come often enough...after you're dead. I think the fairy is too busy playing craps in a back alley with that pedophile clown to come and rescue your poor, stupid ass. She's real useful.

So, what's after the jet pack part? I don't know. I never got that far. The booklet that comes with the game goes on to describe each of the levels in some detail. When we were kids my sister and I were convinced they wrote those descriptions so they could pretend they actually made a whole game. Now I guess there's a whole game in there, but I don't know who'd actually wanna play it.

Barbie - I remember my dad buying this game for me. I think I rented this first, liked it, and he got it for me. Is it pretty stupid? You betcha. The concept of the game is basically Barbie is dreaming about all the stuff she has to do the next day and after you complete each area you get a new accessory or piece of clothing Barbie can wear on her date with Ken or whatever. The different areas included the mall, being a mermaid, and the soda shop. You don't really have a life bar, just Z's you lose every time you get hit. If you lose all the Z's Barbie wakes up, but you can choose to go right back to sleep anyway. What really annoyed me about this game was that Barbie could barely jump. Guess those pointy feet and high heels don't make for good air time. Barbie also uses charms from her charm bracelet to interact with the different things around her. Some of the stuff was kind of cute, especially the walking food and drink in the soda shop area. I have to admit that even though it's pretty lame, I do like this game, and I did beat it. The last level involves jumping up and down to make these three coins spin at the same time. It's pretty frustrating. But there are two other levels that really stick out in my mind. There's this level in the mall section where all you do is wait for these waterfalls to stop running water so you can walk by. Yeah. That's the whole level. It's so boring. Guess Barbie's too afraid of getting her hair wet. The other level was very frustrating. It involved Barbie jumping onto narrow musical notes, moving records and tiny little spiky balls all over a moving platform. So if you fell, it was all the way back to the beginning. And because Barbie jumps like an elephant, this was not an easy level to navigate. Since the rest of the game is pretty easy, this level really sticks out.

Jack Nicklaus Golf - I don't remember when I got this game. Now I like golf to some extent, but I didn't when I was a kid. My favorite part was making up names for the male or female golfers.

The Little Mermaid - I think this game was made towards the end of the NES era, because the graphics on it were pretty good. I was a huge fan of the movie (still am!) so it's no surprise really that I had that game. For a game based on a movie it really wasn't bad. I enjoyed playing this game, and I did beat it.

Super Mario Bros. 3 - To this day it is still my favorite Mario title. I remember my friend had this game first, and all I wanted to do was play it. I loved all the different suits for Mario, I loved all the different themed worlds, I loved the graphics, I loved the world maps, I loved the bonus games and items, I loved the story, I loved all the Koopa kids, I loved everything about this game. For a NES game it was pretty complicated. I played this game all the time. I even bought an issue of Nintendo Power that was totally dedicated to walking you through the game. (With the help of that magazine, I did beat the game. I loved that issue and kept very good care of it for YEARS. I wish I still had it. This was it.)

Kirby - I didn't actually own this game until years later, but I picked it once to rent and loved it. So every time I was allowed to rent a game I chose this one. I loved the extra games you could play, and Kirby, who could fly, was different from the characters I had played. That stupid cloud boss at the end of Grape Garden (I think that was the level.) always killed me. Stupid cloud. My favorite mini game was the crane game where you picked up the Kirby stuffed animals for extra lives.

Mickey Mousecapade - Now I have always loved Disney, but this game is pretty stupid. If they really wanted you to play through the whole thing, why did they give you the cheat codes for skipping levels in the instruction manual? (That really explains the level 'The Woods' pretty well. I never, ever, could figure out how to get past that level. So I guess I'm thankful for the cheat codes, because otherwise I never would have gotten past that.) Of course, if you skip the first level, you never get Minnie's shooting power. And without her shooting power, Minnie is totally useless. Luckily my sister would often agree to play Minnie (who Mickey treats like crap in this game. He's always yelling at her.) because otherwise I would be forced to drag Minnie's unwilling form around. It was a pain in the neck to get her to follow you sometimes. If she didn't land on the same platform as you, forget it. I used to like when so got kidnapped, just so I didn't have to deal with her anymore. I never wound up beating this game.

The Legend of Zelda II: The Adventures of Link - I don't care if I don't have the title exactly right. Because I hate this game. I actually got it at a garage sale, and it had saves on it from the previous kid who had played it. (Saves...ooooh...) That kid had gotten pretty far. So what did I do, genius that I am? I deleted them. And thus begins my hatred of all Link games.

I had never played a game like this at all. I had no clue what I was doing. Walking around, black things swarming all around you that you had to fight with your tiny sword. There was this passed out girl lying in this mausoleum type place for no reason I could figure out. The people in the towns were weird and all looked the same. Some creepy wizard wanted me to come down to his basement and teach me magic. Tons of places were blocked by rocks. It was no good. I couldn't figure out what I was supposed to do or why. And I found out that I didn't really care. When you got the 'Game Over' screen, it said: "Game Over. Return of Ganon". I didn't know who or what Ganon was, but I figured he was probably better off running things because Link clearly didn't know what he was doing. The game of no direction. I finally gave up trying to play it. Maybe I could have moved on and eventually given Link a second chance, but instead I decided I like it better if I stay away from Link related games and he stays away from me. Guess you could say this scarred me for life.

Bomberman - This game was HARD. After awhile, those enemies started moving fast. Or you ran out of time looking for the door. Or you accidentally blew up the door and more enemies came flooding up. I never survived that situation. The powerups were great, though. I really liked this game and had a lot of fun playing it, even if I never really got that far in the scheme of things. (This game had a million levels, or so it seemed.) I dutifully wrote down the long and confusing passwords every time I had a game over screen, but I always seemed to lose them. Stupid days before saving with the stupid passwords that seemed to go on forever. Every time you got a game over you were screaming 'Grab a pen!' to whomever happened to be nearby.

Tetris - I think everybody's played Tetris. I liked being able to change the music, but I hated when you were about to lose and the music got really fast. That really made me more nervous. Thanks a lot. Anyway, I was never too great at this game. I could get to about level 9 before the blocks became too overwhelming. My mom, however, is great at this game. It's kind of embarassing for your mom to be better at a game than you.

I also had a propoganda title where you played a game involving Spot, the 7-Up mascot, but I didn't play that one too much. This is pretty much the list of games I played as a kid. And in some ways they really started to shape me as a gamer. I started liking Mario titles, and, thanks to Link, it was years before I'd go near an RPG.

Eventually the Super Nintendo came out. And I didn't want to play regular Nintendo anymore when there was a super one out there. Stay tuned for part 2, The Super Years.